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Main article: Utaban

This page documents various quotes from the Japanese music show, Utaban hosted by Takaaki Ishibashi of the comedic duo Tunnels and Masahiro Nakai of SMAP. The quotes in this page are roughly translated from Japanese into English.

June 2, 1998 Episode (Guest: Morning Musume) Edit

Yuko Nakazawa: I'm 24 now, so it wouldn't be strange to marry at this age.

Masahiro Nakai: What about now?

Nakazawa: Not possible.

Nakai: Why not?

Nakazawa: Because I'm in Morning Musume.

Takaaki Ishibashi: You could be Morning Wife.

November 17, 1998 (Guest: Tanpopo) Edit

Mari Yaguchi: Is that paraffin paper tasty?

Takaaki Ishibashi: Why don't you try it? See what it tastes like.

[Yaguchi bites the paper]

September 9, 1999 Episode (Guest: Morning Musume) Edit

Masahiro Nakai: How old are you?

Maki Goto: I'm 13.

Takaaki Ishibashi: 13? Your face looks like a fish.

March 30, 2000 Episode (Guests: Akagumi 4, Kiiro 5 and Aoiro 7) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: This looks like "The Last Supper".


Takaaki Ishibashi: There's a quitter in there! [Points to Kominato Miwa

Masahiro Nakai: She didn't just quit. [had her reasons].

Miwa Kominato: I came back.


Danielle Delaunay: My name is Danielle. Hi!!

Masahiro Nakai: So international!


Michiyo Heike: I'm Heike!

Takaaki Ishibashi: Huh? One of Hikaru Genji's friends?


Lehua Sandbo: LEHUA SANDBO DESU!

Mari Yaguchi: Kawaii!

Takaaki Ishibashi: What Sandbo?

Sandbo: Lehua!

Ishibashi: Lehua?

Sandbo: Lehua!

Ishibashi: Sight-see? Five days? Hilton hotel? No?

Danielle Delaunay: What?


Takaaki Ishibashi: I can't bear to look at Blue, because they've got a girl who's been fired...And they've got Johnson.


Takaaki Ishibashi: Think about it, Boyer!

[Miho Shinoda, Maki Goto, Yuko Nakazawa jump into the rope]

Ishibashi: She's in! She's in! Danielle!

[Danielle jumps in]

Hello! Project, Masahiro Nakai and Ishibashi: One...Two...Three...Four...Five...Six...Seven...Eight...Nine...Ten...Eleven...Twelve...

Nakai: This is never going to end.

[Camera pans to a very distracted looking Ishibashi]

H!P: Thirteen...Fourteen...Fifteen...Sixteen...

Nakai: Ishibashi, spin it properly!

H!P: Seventeen...Eighteen

[Ishibashi still looks distracted]

H!P: Nineteen...Twenty...

Nakai: Ishibashi!

H!P: Twenty-one...

[Ishibashi is still distracted]

H!P: Twenty-two...Twenty-three...Twenty-four...

Nakai: Ishibashi, spin it!

[Ishibashi now looks dead]

H!P: Twenty-five...Twenty-six...Twenty-seven

Nakai: DAMN IT, SPIN THE ROPE PROPERLY!

H!P: Twenty-eight...Twenty-nine...Thirty...

Nakai: I'm getting tired!

[Ishibashi still looks dead]

H!P:' Thirty-one...Thirty-two...Thirty-three...Thirty-four...Thirty-five...Thirty-six...

Nakai: Ishibashi!

[Ishibashi still looks dead]

H!P: Thirty-seven...Thirty-eight...Thirty-nine...

[Ishibashi spins the rope into the group]

Nakai: Ishibashi, spin it! Compared to the jumpers...I'm the one getting tired here!


Takaaki Ishibashi: Danielle's amazing! So much power! She's like the Red Devil, Charlie Manuel!


Takaaki Ishibashi: RuRu looks like she'll be pretty bad.


Takaaki Ishibashi: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

Ishibashi and Aoiro 7: Oi! Oi! Oi!


Kaori Iida: Kaa-san, gambatte!


June 1, 2000 Episode (Guest: Morning Musume) Edit

Nozomi Tsuji: I'm Nozomi Tsuji, 12.

Masahiro Nakai: What year were you born in?

Tsuji: 1987.

Nakai: SMAP was formed in 1988, the year after you were born.

Yuko Nakazawa: SMAP is old too!

Nakai: Shut up! You're the oldest one in here!


Masahiro Nakai Next one is "Taka-san's good qualities".

Yuko Nakazawa: BLEH!

Ishibashi runs over to inflate Nakazawa's balloon.

Nakai: Uhm what did you say, Nakazawa? Something about Taka-san's good qualities?

Nakazawa: He has a lot.

March 28, 2002 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Who's surprised by how small Nakai-kun is?


Masahiro Nakai: Is everyone here a kid?

[The audience plus Ishibashi raises their hands]

Kids + Takaaki Ishibashi: Yeah!

[??????]

Nakai: What grade are you in?

Ishibashi: I'm in grade 5. I'm Ishibashi Takaaki, from 5th grade, class 2, No. 3 at Itabashi Narimasu School.

Nakai: Come back. You're wasting time.


[Now for a question from a kid...]

Takaaki Ishibashi: My mother told me that idols never fart. Is that true?

[Kid's question: Do idols fart?]

Ishibashi: That's from Ayaka, in grade 2.

Masahiro Nakai: Ayaka-chan?

Ayaka: Yes?

Nakai: Ayaka-chan, what did your mother tell you?

Ayaka: She said that idols never fart.


Masahiro Nakai: Yaguchi, don't go half-way! Those silent ones stink even worse!


Masahiro Nakai: Everyone, Morning Musume farts a lot!


Masahiro Nakai: So, Yaguchi farts constantly.


Takaaki Ishibashi: Yasuda's wink is scary.

[Kid's opinion: "I remember being terrified by Yasuda's wink."]

Masahiro Nakai: That little kid said that?

Boy 1: Yasuda's wink...

Nakai: Huh...Yasuda?

Boy 1: It's really scary!


Masahiro Nakai: So, now it's like "Yasudaaa! I'll get you!" Is that right?


Takaaki Ishibashi: Alright! Wait a second.

[Ishibashi dials a number on the phone]

Ishibashi: Moshimoshi?

Kaori Iida: Moshimoshi?

Ishibashi: Um, is Yasuda there?

Iida: Yes she is. Just a minute.

[Iida hands the phone to Yasuda]

Kei Yasuda: Moshimoshi!

Ishibashi: Yasuda...

Yasuda: Yes?

Ishibashi: I was thinking of getting you some sushi. What kind would you like?

Yasuda: I like Zukedon...

[Ishibashi hangs up]


Takaaki Ishibashi: What? "Rickey Henderson was trying to steal the third base"?


Hitomi Yoshizawa: What if Kei-chan told you, "I love you"?

Takaaki Ishibashi: I'd hit her.


July 4, 2002 Episode (Guests: Happy 7, Sexy 8 and Odoru 11) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Something terrible's gonna happen.

Masahiro Nakai: What do you mean?

Takaaki Ishibashi: Tsunku's army is marching on in great numbers!


[Masahiro Nakai dials a number on a telephone]

[Takaaki Ishibashi picks up a ringing phone.]

Takaaki Ishibashi: The number you have reached is not in service.


Rika Ishii: I'm Ishii...

Takaaki Ishibashi: Um...He was traded from Kintetsu to the Giants. I think he plays for Yokohama now...

Masahiro Nakai: So, you're the one who thinks he can hit a home run against all 12 teams.


Natsumi Abe: [About Ishii] When I went to the office, I saw her answering phones there a few times.

Takaaki Ishibashi: She's a desk worker?

Rika Ishii: No! No!

Ishibashi: You shouldn't let a desk worker join!


Masahiro Nakai: So, you're all...how old?

Makoto Ogawa: I'm 14.

Nakai: 14!

Risa Niigaki: I'm 13.

Ai Takahashi: I'm 15.

Ai Kago: I'm 14.

Mika Todd: I'm 18.

Asami Kimura: I'm 17.

Hitomi Saito: I'm 13.

[Camera zooms in to an innocently smiling 20 year old Hitomi Saito]

Niigaki: Same as me.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Yasuda, can I beat the crap out of her?


[Sexy 8's performance of "Shiawase desu ka?" starts]

Maki Goto: Hey, look at me.

[Ishibashi runs over and grabs Goto, as a graphic appears on screen saying: This is Ishibashi Takaaki (40) who is completely misled into thinking that she's speaking to him.]

Masahiro Nakai: What are you doing? You'll get arrested!

September 26, 2002 Episode (Guests: Tanpopo) Edit

Masahiro Nakai: What's this? Yasuda died?

Mari Yaguchi: No, no!

[She seems to be in 'till spring next year]

Takaaki Ishibashi: What are you talking about? She became an actress.

[Shows scene from a dorama where Yasuda is being slapped]


Masahiro Nakai: Yaguchi was fairly chubby, wasn't she?

January 30, 2003 Episode (Guest: Miki Fujimoto) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Even though I failed your audition once a few years before...

Masahiro Nakai: Inspite of that...

Ishibashi: And now...enter? Don't make me roll on the floor laughing!


Miki Fujimoto: Well, it was with Tsunku-san, on December 31st, after Kouhaku...We went in a conference room of some sort, just the two of us alone, not even the manager came in...

Takaaki Ishibashi: And he gave you a kiss.


Takaaki Ishibashi: That's strange...And anyway, this Morning Musume and the whole... Hello! Works, was it?

Miki Fujimoto: It's Hello! Project!

Ishibashi: This so-called Hello! Project scheme...Is being greatly supported by the Utaban team, right?

Masahiro Nakai: Of course!

Ishibashi: Up to the point where you called Iida "Johnson" during the Kouhaku. I was watching that. When you said "Johnson!", Johnson was like..."Don't call me Johnson here!", her expression was priceless.


Takaaki Ishibashi: Well, look, in our program, people like Johnson or Yasuda...

Masahiro Nakai: Right, right...

Ishibashi: And earlier, Kaa-san too...And then, Tettekete as well...They have risen here, right?

Nakai: Yes.

Ishibashi: I think Tsunku is watching our moves, damn him.


Takaaki Ishibashi: "How many times do you think I've coped by myself so far, Tsunku-san?? If that's the case, you go become ShaRanQ again, Tsunku!"


Takaaki Ishibashi: Since, you're taking Yasuda's position, right?

Miki Fujimoto: Eeh? No, not like that!

Ishibashi: Yasuda is going away, and you enter, no?

Masahiro Nakai: So since Yasuda is going, you should become "former Yasuda" then.

Fujimoto: Don't call me that!

Ishibashi: Yeah, Former Yasuda sounds right.

Fujimoto: No way! It's not even "former" in the first place!

Ishibashi: Well then, "Starting Yasuda".

Fujimoto: I don't understand this at all.

Nakai: Yakult Yasuda sounds OK too...

Fujimoto: That's wrong again!

Ishibashi: Yasuda plays a tricky ball...and Ou just can't get it...


Takaaki Ishibashi: Whaa, when I think that SHE'll be gone soon... I get a little sad.


[Camera pans to a bunch of punching bags with the faces of the members of Morning Musume... with THE PEACE! playing in the background]

Masahiro Nakai: Ah, here it comes now!

[Camera reaches Miki Fujimoto]

Nakai: She's got it!

Miki Fujimoto: Peaaace!

Takaaki Ishibashi: Good, good...

[Nakai shoves Fujimoto out of the way with the Kei Yasuda punching bag, and shoves it into the camera continuously]

Nakai: But Yasuda will come!

Fujimoto: That hurts her!

Nakai: Yasuda will come, you know!


Takaaki Ishibashi: Whaa, I think it's OK, but you know... I'm sure Yaguchi won't let us hear the end of it... Prepare some sort of a good answer...

Masahiro Nakai: Something strict?

Ishibashi: Like, "I'll fry you, you fish!"

July 24, 2003 Episode (Guests: SALT5, 7AIR, 11WATER) Edit

NOTE: This episode is card game based so when the hosts refer to the cards they are actually talking about the girls. Also, italics represent when someone is speaking in english.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Discard those three. [Motions to Asami Konno, Mika Todd and Ayaka Kimura]

Shinichirou Azumi: Hold on, hold on.

Mika: Wait a minute, wait a minute!

[Azumi walks away]

Ishibashi: But I want to discard those three.

Mika: Wait!

Azumi: And now back to Nakai-san.

Ishibashi: [Runs over and hugs Aya Matsuura and Miki Fujimoto] It would be fine if it were just you two! I need you two!


Shinichirou Azumi: 3 new cards, please!

[Ai Takahashi, Nozomi Tsuji and Hitomi Saito come out]

[Ishibashi begins to act as if he saw a monster]

Azumi: Well, this is a little...

[Boss Saito]]

Takaaki Ishibashi: You can't change anymore, huh?

Hitomi Saito: No, no, no, you don't mean that!

Ishibashi: These four here, "My Musume", are good enough.

[Saito moves over to Ishibashi and he shoves her away]

Ishibashi: What do you want?!

Saito: Ouuuch <3


Ishibashi: [Motions to Matsuura, Fujimoto, Tsuji and Takahashi] These are my 4-of-a-kind...[Motions to Saito] and lastly...I drew an old hag.


Azumi: Since we're only making fun of Japanese people, Ishibashi's team wins!

[Ishibashi shakes hand with Takahashi, Tsuji, Fujimoto and Matsuura, and punches Saito]


[Ayumi Shibata and uTatu come out]

[Nakai kneels down in defeat]

[There's no break from the first round, Nakai drew uTatu again]

Nakai: Because...I...Earlier they said because we're making fun of Japanese people only, I lost. We're not making fun of you, right? Do you like Japan?

Yulia Volkova imitator: I like her.


July 31, 2003 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: There was someone who did it in Haneda, wasn't it?

Kaori Iida: It was Kemeko, right?

Natsumi Abe: Maybe Kei-chan.

Ishibashi: Aah, not again!


Masahiro Nakai: It's read "michi shige" right? I read it as "doujuu" all the time.

Takaaki Ishibashi: I thought it's read "yayaomo".


Eri Kamei: Coming from Tokyo, Kamei Eri, 14 years old. Lately I've been pretty crazy about umeboshi.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Sooo cute! You got me! Alright, I think I'm gonna support Eri-chan!

The older members start complaining.

Ishibashi: What the hell?!


Masahiro Nakai: Johnson, what are you into now?

Kaori Iida: Me? Kumachan.

Ishibashi and Nakai look at Iida in shock, as they think that she means a bear, while she is talking about a pastry.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Johnson, you are forgetting something. You should try to remember again about the time you had hair like this...

Pictures of Iida from her "ne warrate" line in "Daite HOLD ON ME!" is shown surrounding Ishibashi.

Ishibashi: "Come on smile!" "Smile damn it!" You're forgetting about that.

Iida: It was pretty lame, huh?

Nakai: It was really unpopular.


Takaaki Ishibashi: Nakai-kun, the main point is...

Masahiro Nakai: What's that?

Ishibashi: Looking at the profile of the new members...their admired people are: Amuro-chan, Hamasaki Ayumi-chan, Takahashi Ai-chan - Tettekete and Tanaka Reina-chan's is Gottsan. What do you guys think about this? Especially the three ladies from the Hall of Fame.

Points to Abe, Iida and Yaguchi.

Mari Yaguchi: We feel a little left out.

Natsumi Abe and Kaori Iida agree.

Nakai: You're not admired.

Natsumi Abe: Eh?

Nakai: You're not admired.

Yaguchi: It's not about like or dislike, right?

Ishibashi: Well, it's about Vietnam! Bam Bam! Come on! Come get some! Come to Vietnam!


Masahiro Nakai: Now, let's go onto the image, Takaaki-san's image. Fujimoto's: "Must be fun to be around him"

Miki Fujimoto: Yes, it seems like fun.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Let's go on a date when you're 2 years older!

Red arrows appear coming from Natsumi Abe and Kaori Iida's direction.

Ishibashi: I get such glares.


Masahiro Nakai: Kamei-san's: "Looks really kind" Takaaki-san looks very kind. What part of him makes you think that he's kind?

Eri Kamei: It feels like that when he talks.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Right? Next time, I'll bring some delicious umeboshi, alright?

Hitomi Yoshizawa: That's kind.

Nakai: He IS kind.

Ishibashi: No matter how expensive it is, I'll bring umeboshi from Bairindo. Hey, Bairindo! I want that one!


Masahiro Nakai: Alright, let's continue. Sayumi-san.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Yayaomo.

Nakai: "He looks smart."

Ishibashi: 'Cos I'm from Teikyo high school.

Nakai: What part of him makes you think he's smart?

Sayumi Michishige: Well, he's pretty funny, isn't he? And people who can think up funny things are smart.

Ishibashi: I'm gonna support you too, Yayaomo.


Masahiro Nakai: And Tanaka-san..."Seems to like cute girls." What does that mean?

Reina Tanaka: Well, when I was watching Utaban...I always saw that you liked Goto-san and later Fujimoto-san too. But somehow, towards Iida-san, your attitude was different.

Nakai: Watching it on TV, it kinda feels like that, doesn't it? To Gottsan and Fujimoto, he always says "cute, cute". But you thought that he disliked Johnson too much, right? Could it be because maybe Johnson's not cute?

Takaaki Ishibashi: Yeah, that might be it.

Kaori Iida: I'm in shock a little bit.

Tanaka: I didn't mean it like that.

Nakai: You have to give an explanation...not just saying "I didn't mean it like that".

Tanaka: With Yasuda-san and Iida-san it was like, what do you call this.

Nakai: It was a little special, huh?

Ishibashi: Like with David Beckham?* So it's like that after all, huh?

Rika Ishikawa: It's quite hard, right?

Tanaka: I can't find the right words.

Iida: It's alright already.

Nakai: Right? Deal with her after the show, right?

Iida: I'm sorry, it's enough.

Ishibashi: Yeah, "Get out of here!"

Nakai: Uh-oh, she got angry.

Ishibashi: See? That's the right attitude! That's good, that's the old feeling.

Nakai: She's angry now you should apologize.

Iida: No, that's ok.

Nakai: That's just now.

Iida: It's really ok.

Nakai: Why did you become so emotional?

Iida: Huh? About what?

Nakai: Why are you angry? Why do you have to give me that angry look? I'm 31 already! 31! I've been an idol for 15 years. I'm an idol even though I don't sing! Even though I don't sing I sold 2 million copies!

  • - "special" in japanese is bekkaku, which sound similar to Beckham.

Masahiro Nakai: And now, Nakai-san's image!

Takaaki Ishibashi: "He seems to be mean.", "He seems to like fashion", "He seems to like curry and rice".

Hitomi Yoshizawa: He seems to like it.

Ishibashi: "He looks small"...

Nakai: What the hell are you laughing about?!?! Is your measuring rule like this? What looks small? It's like you've measured me from head to toe. What is that supposed to mean Tanaka? "Looks small".

Ishibashi: Yeah...What's small? What's too small on him?

Nakai: Is something small?

Ishibashi: Wait a sec...Johnson, you're laughing too much.

Natsumi Abe: This was so funny.

Nakai: "He seems to like curry and rice" Am I the KiRanger?

Abe: But he does seem to like it.

Nakai: Have you seen me eat curry and rice?

Sayumi Michishige: Well, no, but...Well, because you're like a hindu.

Nakai: Why did you think that? What were you basing this off of? I just don't get you.


Takaaki Ishibashi: May I for one sec? Ogawa...could you be a little more enthusiastic?

Makoto Ogawa: I am.

Ishibashi: For quite a while, she's like...(Leans over in chair with mouth open.) It's also our fault that you couldn't speak up. Since I needed to feature these four members, I couldn't let all of you to speak up. But every time I looked, she was like this all along...(Leans over in chair with mouth open.)

Ogawa: I'm listening properly. I'm just listening carefully. I'm carefully listening.

Ishibashi: Uhm, you changed your hair color, right?

Ogawa: Yes.

Ishibashi: How should I say it...You look like a typical housewife in Shikahama, Adachi-ku.

Ogawa: Why??

Ishibashi: You know, I bet we can hear you say..."You can get a carton of milk cheaper before 5 o'clock!"


Masahiro Nakai: "Someone out of the 4 new members, ask Kaori this: Are you even trying?"

Natsumi Abe: What? What? What do you mean?

Nakai: A certain member asked this of Johnson. There's one person who thinks "Hey are you even trying?" But she doesn't want to ask it herself, so she asked the new members to do it. Who is it?

Abe: And there's no name on it?

Nakai: No, there isn't. Was it you?

Risa Niigaki: No.

Nakai: You?

Makoto Ogawa: (shakes head)

Nakai: Ogawa, can't you speak?

Ogawa: I can, I can.

Nakai: You?

Asami Konno: Wasn't me.

Nakai: Yaguchi?

Mari Yaguchi: Of course not.

Nakai: Nacchi?

Abe: No.

Nakai: Kago?

Ai Kago: No.

Nakai: Tsuji?

Nozomi Tsuji: No.

Nakai: Tettekete?

Ai Takahashi: No.

Nakai: Ishikawa?

Rika Ishikawa: No.

Nakai: Yossy?

Hitomi Yoshizawa: Yes...


Masahiro Nakai: I'd like to present the letter that arrived at Utaban. "Dear Taka-san, Nakai-kun, it's been a while. This is Yasuda!"

Rika Ishikawa: It's Kei-chan!

Takaaki Ishibashi: So she does want to get involved with us after all.

August 14, 2003 ( Guests: ZYX ) Edit

Masahiro Nakai: Do you have summer holidays coming?

Maimi Yajima and Momoko Tsugunaga: Almost none.

Nakai: Almost none? Where would you like to go the most?

Erika Umeda, Saki Shimizu, Yajima, Tsugunaga and Megumi Murakami: An amusement park!

Nakai: Thank you for following the script. We thought you might say that, so we've prepared an enjoyable attraction for you! Here it is!

[Lights dim]

Yajima: What?

[Maniacal feminine laughter is heard followed by a face appearing on the screens in the background]

Nakai: She's waving at you.

Voice: Come! Come!

Mari Yaguchi: I think I met her at our company.

[Industry Trivia: Inugami Circus-dan and Morning Musume are friends]

Takaaki Ishibashi: Yasuda looks like that too, though.

Yaguchi: That's not Kei-chan! I wonder if I should say this.

Ishibashi: What?

Yaguchi: Well, at the pre-show planning meeting...I thought about giving that role to Kei-chan!


Zombie: Yaguchi-san! A call for you!

Mari Yaguchi: Hello!

[Yaguchi takes the phone only to have...]

Takaaki Ishibashi: Choujuan here!

Yaguchi: Hello?

Ishibashi: It's Choujuan here.

Yaguchi: What the? It's...it's getting worse here. Hello?

Ishibashi: Katsuwakare, all right. And chilled tanuki-soba, yes. We'll deliver it in 5-10 minutes. Thank you for your order.


[Ishibashi starts speaking over the voice modulator sounding scary but he is saying...]

Takaaki Ishibashi: Nipples are itching! Nipples are itching! My nipples have started to itch! My nipples have started to itch!


Masahiro Nakai: This is the final room. Showbusiness is a scary place.

[Nakai closes the door]

Momoko Tsugunaga: Why does it have to be a beef bowl?!

[Final Room: Beef Bowl for everybody]

[A guy in a devil suit jumps from the ceiling, but runs out of the room as the girls start screaming]

[Nakai pushes the guy back into the room only to have Megumi Murakami start slapping him]

Takaaki Ishibashi: She slapped him.

October 9, 2003 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume Sakura Gumi and Morning Musume Otome Gumi) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Oh, Tsunku divided you up nicely.

Masahiro Nakai: [Motions to Sakura Gumi] These ones look like they're from a cabaret club.

Natsumi Abe: No, we don't!

Nakai: [Points to Ai Takahashi] Hey, I see her panties!


Masahiro Nakai: What is that, Johnson?

Kaori Iida: I became Miss Utaban. I have the most appearances in Utaban's history. Even while others were onscreen, lots of little images of me would appear as well.

[An inset appears showing a scene from the July 31, 2003 episode of Utaban, where Ishibashi makes fun of Iida's "ne warrate" line from Daite HOLD ON ME!]

Takaaki Ishibashi: But I thought Yasuda got the majority of those...

[Shows CG images of Yasuda used over the years]

Iida: So apparently, I was on the most frequently.

Nakai: Oh, that's why.


Takaaki Ishibashi: Anyway, weren't you in Hawaii recently?

Natsumi Abe: Yes, we all went together.

Ishibashi: I was hearing that Morning Musume would arrive.

Abe: So, you were in Hawaii too?

Ishibashi: Yeah. And you were staying two per room, right?

Abe: Yes, but some of the girls were alone too.

Ishibashi: Oh, so there was a chance!


Takaaki Ishibashi: I suppose, even in Hawaii, Ogawa had her mouth wide open.

[Shows image in inset from last Utaban appearance]

Ishibashi: Even today, the whole time... [Leans back in chair with mouth open.]

Makoto Ogawa: I don't!

[Nakai smacks Ishibashi over the head]

[Ishibashi leans over and says:]

Ishibashi: "Oh, so this is Hawaii?"

Ogawa: No, I didn't do that!


Masahiro Nakai: Got it? You're creepy! These girls may stink, but you're just plain creepy.


Takaaki Ishibashi: You'll finally get to talk, after so long.

[Ogawa speaks into voice changer.]

Makoto Ogawa: Can I? Okay, we're often grouped in a hotel room with Konno-san...

Masahiro Nakai: Wow, she really blows into that mic.

Natsumi Abe: She snorted...

Ogawa: I'm not! Asami-chan...I mean, Konno-san...

Asami Konno: Mako? Hey, Mako-chan? Mako-chan?

Ogawa: No, it's not me. I...

Abe: It's pretty clear who it is.

Ogawa: Her shirt, um...

[Nakai removes the shades from the glass for a second.]

Ogawa: What the...!

Nakai: Sorry, my finger slipped.


Takaaki Ishibashi: For example, Yaguchi looks pretty stupid.


Masahiro Nakai: So, Otome Gumi, pick someone who you think doesn't know the correct answer.

Kaori Iida: So, incorrect answers, right? Let's start with a sure thing. Kago-chan.


Masahiro Nakai: Let's compare the answers. Tanaka-san...Fukui-ken. Kago...Shimane-ken.

Ai Kago: Hey, there are some islands here.

Nakai: Islands...no, that's Izu archipelago.

Takaaki Ishibashi: We have other pearls of wisdom here.

Nakai: What could those be...

Ishibashi: Look at Ogawa's. Biwako-ken. [To Sakura Gumi] If you'd chose her, you'd gotten 2 points. That was close.

Nakai: Yossy and her Shizuoka.

Hitomi Yoshizawa: But I was close.

Nakai: [Looks at Risa Niigaki's answer] Okay, as expected. Tottori. Okay, that was it. Both teams get 1 point each.


Masahiro Nakai: [Points to Risa Niigaki] I'll add one more point to yours.

Takaaki Ishibashi: [Points to Makoto Ogawa] We have a 4-point answer here!


Masahiro Nakai: Write the names of these people.

[Shows a board with Prince Shotoku, Napoleon Bonaparte and Kagaku-kun, the assistant producer.]

Natsumi Abe: There's someone who doesn't belong there, right?

Nakai: Remember, use kanji. Start! Don't peek at the others' answers!

[Bell rings]]

Abe: That was too quick!

Nakai: Check your bonus points.

[Camera pans in to Takaaki Ishibashi who is laughing hysterically.]

Takaaki Ishibashi: [To Makoto Ogawa] Damn you, you need to study more!

Nakai: Let's go with 3 points.

Ishibashi: Oh, I forgot to assign the points.

Nakai: 3 points, right.

[Camera pans to Ishibashi who is marking Ogawa's board]

Nakai: Okay, time to choose. First, Sakura Gumi.

Abe: Let's see, if there are that many points, it must be Nono.

Ai Takahashi: So, Tsuji-chan.

Nakai: And...who do you pick?

Kaori Iida: Yossy.

Nakai and Ishibashi: Yossy.

Rika Ishikawa: Yossy.

Nakai: Your answers, please. Hexadon... First Tsuji.

Nozomi Tsuji: But I don't know what the kanji is...

NOTE: From this point on, correct answers will be written in Italics before the answer.

Nakai: Shotoku: Fukuzawa Yu...Yukita?

Tsuji: Yukichi! This character reads "hoka" and...

Nakai and Ishibashi: Yukichi! Ah, Yukichi!

Tsuji: "Chi" like in "chinmei" (name of a place)...

Ishibashi: You really should have added the radical for land there.

Tsuji: Oh here!

Ishibashi: That's the man who established Keio University. And the next one...Napoleon Bonaparte: Francisco Xavier. And lastly, Kagaku-kun: Hakase-kun.

Nakai: I have some other good answers here. Prince Shotoku. Very good.

Ishibashi: Prince Shotoku is written in different kanji...

Nakai: But the kanji isn't right.

Nakai and Ishibashi: Napoleon Bonaparte: Pirates of Carribean.

Nakai: The character's origin. What do you mean?

Miki Fujimoto: Sparrow.

Hitomi Yoshizawa: Sparrow? Oh, Sparrow.

Ishibashi: And Kagaku-kun.

Nakai: So, please flip them over. How many points is it then? Oh, the usual 1 point. Well, it wasn't fully correct, so you'll get the point. Let's check the others, starting right here.

Ishibashi: Okay.

Nakai: So, everyone show your answers. [Points to Kago]] What's this?

Ai Kago: Shotoku: Toyotomi Hideitsu.

Nakai: Toyo...Toyomitsu Hide...

Kago: Oh yes, it's Toyomitsu.

Nakai: Toyomitsu Hidekazu.

Kago: I don't know his name...

Nakai: Sorry, but there is no Toyomitsu. Whose name did you make up?

Ishibashi: A friend?

Nakai: Toyomitsu-kun? Tettekete, all-clear.

Ishibashi: Tettekete had no mistakes.

Nakai: Shotoku and Napoleon.

Takahashi: I thought it was Hakase.

Nakai: Not Hakase, but Kagaku-kun.

Takahashi: I'm sorry.

Nakai: Oh, Yaguchi got it as well.

Mari Yaguchi: Mine are all correct.

Nakai: Now, Niigaki. [Starts laughing] Let's look at this one.

Yaguchi: John Lennon?!

Nakai: Okay, let's see. Shotoku: Nobunaga. Napoleon: John Lennon.

Ishibashi: From the time he sang, "Imagine". When he was singing "Imagine", right.


Masahiro Nakai: Next week's schedule. Mini Moni...Oh damn, you again!

[Looks at Ai Takahashi, Ai Kago and Nozomi Tsuji as they make up 75% of MiniMoni]

Nozomi Tsuji: But this time it will be different. Better.

Ai Kago and Ai Takahashi: Better.

Takahashi: We will come changed.

November 20, 2003 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Risa Niigaki: Johnson-san! We have guests.


Masahiro Nakai: We don't need you Yossy, we're doing a TV show.


Ai Kago: We have impersonations here!

Takaaki Ishibashi: Will that be better than those previous stories?

Kago and Nozomi Tsuji: Yeah, it will.

Ishibashi: Who are you impersonating?

Tsuji: We'll show you.

Kago: Nagase-san from TOKIO. Do you know Yanpapa? Yanpapa?

Ishibashi: Yanpapa?

Kago: Have you seen that?

[Balloon begins to inflate]

Kago: Ah wait, wait, wait! Wait, stop it please!

[Tsuji stops the balloon from inflating]

Masahiro Nakai: You took your time noticing that!

Kago: We didn't notice. So then...I'll show it, okay? Gets! Here I go. [Imitating Tomoya Nagase] "That wasn't me! No, wait!"

Ishibashi: Is this alright?

Tsuji: One more, okay? Tanaka-chan and Miki-chan impersonation. Here I go. [Imitating Reina Tanaka] "Even after 100 years, when we'll be living in space..."

[Ishibashi begins to inflate the balloon only to have Kago turn off the machine]

Tsuji: [Imitating Miki Fujimoto] "My feelings won't change, the garden of love."

Nakai: What is she doing there alone? Tanaka-chan again.

Tsuji: Tanaka...[Imitating Reina Tanaka] "Even after 100 years, when we'll be living in space..."

Nakai: Fujimoto, Fujimoto!

Tsuji: [Imitating Miki Fujimoto] "My feelings won't change, the garden of love."

Nakai: Nagase, Nagase!

Kago: [Imitating Tomoya Nagase] "That wasn't me! No, wait!"

Nakai: Johnson! Johnson! Johnson!

Hitomi Yoshizawa: Da da doo-doo de da da doda di


Masahiro Nakai: My mother's nipples look like the top of this milk bottle!


Masahiro Nakai: This isn't what I joined showbusiness for! I wanted to make everyone happy forever like Hikaru Genji! I didn't join Johnny's to play a stupid yo-yo game!

December 18, 2003 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume Sakura Gumi and Morning Musume Otome Gumi) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Back when we were in middle school, using Socktouch did the trick.

Masahiro Nakai: Like a glue.

Ishibashi: Is it still around now?

Morning Musume: It is.

Ishibashi: Socktouch still exists?!

MoMusu: Yes.

Ishibashi: UNBELIEVABLE!!


Takaaki Ishibashi: If it's worth it...this might sound strange, but...if you have any leggings or other things you don't wear anymore...Gimme!

Masahiro Nakai: That's a bad request. How about Ogawa's?

Ishibashi: I don't need Ogawa's.

Makoto Ogawa: What the hell?!


Takaaki Ishibashi: Like "VIETNAM!"


Masahiro Nakai: [Referencing Rika Ishikawa's hat] Go BEAT!

Takaaki Ishibashi: Go BEAT!

Nakai: Bitch BEAT!

Rika Ishikawa: Like this BEAT.

Ishibashi: "BEAT" Ishikawa.


Masahiro Nakai: So, we have received a letter for Morning Musume. Let's read it.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Ah, it's from their precious senior in the entertainment world. "Dear Taka-san, Nakai-kun. It's been a long time. It's Yasuda. *heart heart heart*

Natsumi Abe: Kemeko!

Nakai: I wonder why she made all those hearts.

Ishibashi: "When I realize it's already December, 2003 has been a really fulfilling year. Since my graduation from Morning Musume, I've taken up many cool interests. Aojiru...flute...psychology...golf...lunching alone...


Masahiro Nakai: Ah, this is an easy one!

Takaaki Ishibashi: What country did t.A.T.u. come from? Indicate it on the map.

Miki Fujimoto: Which way is up?

Ishibashi: WHICH WAY IS UP??


Takaaki Ishibashi: Fujimoto, please show us where the equator is.

Miki Fujimoto: Equator? How do you want me to show this "equator"?

Masahiro Nakai: Your...uh...

[Ishibashi smacks Fujimoto with a board]

Ishibashi: You know what? Throw in the IDL as well.


Masahiro Nakai: Alright, go Kago.

[Kago's board reveals that she has colored in a large portion of Northeast South America and has wrote France as her answer]

Ai Kago: Here.

Nakai: So, that's France?

[Camera pans to Ishibashi who is on the floor laughing]

Takaaki Ishibashi: You know...French cuisine certainly originated there.


Ai Kago: Here, this is Japan.

Masahiro Nakai: That's Japan?

Kago: Exactly, I know we're from here.

Nakai: You know...

Reina Tanaka: Japan is here?


Natsumi Abe: Russia.

[Abe's answer is correct, but she colored in Poland]

Masahiro Nakai: Russia, WHOA! Russia's small! Russia's a small place, isn't it?


[Niigaki's answer is revealed: She has colored the right place, but answered England]

Masahiro Nakai: England.

Takaaki Ishibashi: Just as I expected, the British Empire. That's huge!

Nakai: Knowing the location, but not the name is terrible.\


[Kamei's has colored in Austraila, but answered:]

Takaaki Ishibashi and Masahiro Nakai: B-B-BRAZIL???


Takaaki Ishibashi: For this team, please do Fujimoto last.


[Tsuji has colored in Austraila as well, but answered:]

Nozomi Tsuji: Beijing.


Takaaki Ishibashi: And now, today's main event has arrived.

Masahiro Nakai: Russia! Which one is it?

[Fujimoto's board is upside down, with Russia as a small dot on the coast of the Indian Ocean, the equator going through Greenland, Northern Canada, Russia and Northern Europe and the International Date Line seperating the Middle East and neighboring areas from Eastern Asia.]

Miki Fujimoto: This is the equator. And the IDL.

Nakai: That's just strange.

Nozomi Tsuji: You have it upside-down.

Ishibashi: So this is how she drew the IDL.

March 11, 2004 (Guests: Berryz Koubou) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Still in the field trip mood?

[No one says anything and Maasa Sudou mumbles something]

Ishibashi: And now the song.


Takaaki Ishibashi: What's wrong with the other 7 people? They're no good? Those 7 people really suck, right? Did they say like "Don't make me laugh, Tsunku!" Or did they turn delinquent sometimes?

November 25, 2004 Episode (Guests: H.P. All Stars) Edit

Masahiro Nakai: For the first time in Utaban's history, we're using the turning wheel.

[Taka-san starts shaking hands with the girls]

Nakai: Rotating around, let's introduce them... H.P. All Stars! We have so many idols here tonight...Will Taka-san be able to handle the excitement? Around all these lovely ladies, will he be okay? Lets shake hands with everyone!

[Taka-san shakes hands with Kaori Iida, Maimi Yajima, Saki Nakajima and then smacks Kei Yasuda.]

Takaaki Ishibashi: But someone doesn't fit in!

Nakai: Someone doesn't belong here?

Ishibashi: Tonight, for the first time on TV... Petal Rotation! But anyway, one of them--

Nakai: Keep shaking hands!

Ishibashi: Ah! Mikitty! Mikitty! Mikitty! Yossy, Yaguchi, Johnson...And Kids...Kids. Kids. Kids...It's you!


Masahiro Nakai: So, who will Taka-san choose? Who was it?

Takaaki Ishibashi: It's Gottsan!

Nakai: Oh, Gottsan!

Maki Goto: Nice to meet you.

Nakai: Did it just get chilly in here? It's like, "Why just them?!"

Goto: Really?

Ishibashi: I really didn't look at the buttons.

Mari Yaguchi: Well, I'm sure you used your sixth sense then.

Nakai and Ishibashi: Sixth sense?!

Nakai: What the heck!

Yaguchi: He held his finger over the same button the whole time!

Nakai: Shut up, tiny woman!


Takaaki Ishibashi: Inside this group, Ayaya...

Aya Matsuura: Yes?

Ishibashi: "Surprising Noseplay!:"

Masahiro Nakai: Noseplay..?

Matsuura: I can shrink it together and hold it for a long time.

Nakai: I'd like to see that! You all want to see that, right?

No one responds.

Nakai: Come on now... Matsuura's going to shrink up her nose.


[Ishibashi turns the wheel, only for it to land by Yasuda, so they go to the nearest person...]

Takaaki Ishibashi: Nakajima-chan!

Masahiro Nakai: It's Nakajima-chan.

Ishibashi: Hey! It's Nakajima-chan. Great, it's Nakajima-chan!

[Ishibashi and Nakai move the table and mic towards Saki Nakajima]

Kei Yasuda: Hey, it's my turn now!

Ishibashi: Nakajima-chan. What's this? You're an elementary 5th grader?

Saki Nakajima: Yes.

Ishibashi: Why did you want to become one of the Hello! Project Kids?

[Yasuda moves closer to Nakajima, only for her to move farther away]

Nakajima: Well, I admire dancers and singers.

Ishibashi: Dance and what? Dance and what? Who is your idol?

Nakajima: Ishikawa-san.

Ishibashi: Ishikawa-san! What do you like about her?

Nakajima: I like how she presents herself.

[Inset shows video of Ishikawa earlier in the episode doing a swordsman-like motion, with a graphic saying "This is what you're aiming for?"]

Ishibashi: What have you been doing lately, Yasuda?

Kei Yasuda: Lately?

Ishibashi: It's written here, "I've been blowing too much."

Masahiro Nakai: What the hell were you blowing?!


Masahiro Nakai: Fujimoto.

Miki Fujimoto: Yes.

Nakai: "Something I want to do now."

Fujimoto: I've become interested in English conversation. And I thought about starting to learn it.

Kei Yasuda plays a note on her flute.

Takaaki Ishibashi: English conversation.

Nakai: English, that's good.

Fujimoto: So I'd like you to teach me some helpful phrases.

Ishibashi: Helpful conversation phrases...

Fujimoto: If I could learn some phrases, that'd be good.

Yasuda plays a bad note on her flute, followed by laughter from the H.P. All Stars, Ishibashi and Nakai

Nakai: Yasuda...!

Natsumi Abe: Scary!

Nakai: Yasuda! Don't practice your "do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do" here!


Takaaki Ishibashi: So, who else would like to say something?

Masahiro Nakai: Anyone else?

Hitomi Saito: Me! Me!

Ishibashi: Man, I guess we can't avoid you.

Nakai: But that's going into a death zone, Taka-san! That's a real death zone!

Ishibashi: I already saw the scariest one, though!

January 27, 2005 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Masahiro Nakai: Here is Michishige's answer.

[A drawing of a square with lines appears on screen.]

Nakai: What's that? How did you read this?

Sayumi Michishige: I thought it's read as stock.

Nakai: Stock?

Michishige: That's why I drew a bundle of banknotes.

Nakai: See? Morning Musume doesn't understand nothing at all.


Masahiro Nakai: This will be Johnson's last time on Utaban, so here is a little speech from her.

Kaori Iida: Everyone, thank you for all your support up until now. Umm...Utaban is an important program that has really popularized my character in the world. And I will continue to support it also from now on.

[Camera pans to Takaaki Ishibashi who is "crying" over Iida's speech]

Iida: And I will do my best in my solo career, so everyone, please support me. I will do my very best also in the future.

Takaaki Ishibashi: I think that I will not meet Johnson again. It is a second serious wound to me after Yasuda. This New Years, a New Year's card from "Yasuda-fan" arrived to my office. It said, "Thank you Taka-san". Thereby, with the thought of losing Johnson, who am I going to feed on from now on?

July 7, 2005 Episode (Guests: Sexy Otonajan, Elegies and Puri Puri Pink) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: I do know Miki but...who are you two? A part of Hello! Pro!?

Miki Fujimoto: They're from the Kids division.

Ishibashi: Kids?!

Megumi Murakami and Miyabi Natsuyaki: Yes.

Masahiro Nakai: KinKi Kids?

Murakami: No, not that.

Ishibashi: What is your team's name?

Fujimoto: Sexy Otonajan.

Ishibashi and Nakai: Sexy Otonajan?

Fujimoto: Otonajan.

Ishibashi: Not yukke?

Fujimoto: No, we're the Otonajan!

Ishibashi: Sexy? This is overdoing it don't you think?

Nakai: You two still don't know what sexiness means, don't you?


Atsuko Inaba: Wait!! The setting is weird!

(Yuko Nakazawa comes out waving.)

Masahiro Nakai: Wait a minute, What are you doing here, Kiriko?!

Yuko Nakazawa: No, No, I'm not Kiriko!! Move aside, move aside.

Nakai: Get back inside!!

Nakazawa: What's wrong?!

Nakai: You guys are not "Sweat", you're "Juice"!

Takaaki Ishibashi: What's wrong with this group? Why are you here?! I thought you were Utaban's side dish!

Nakai: When I saw Nakazawa and Johnson come and then I see a boss there!

Kei Yasuda: It matches me, don't you think?

Ishibashi: What?

Kaori Iida: This is PuriPuri Pink.

Nakai: That's not even Kyabakura!

Ishibashi: Looks like you passed way too far over Nishikawa!

Nakai: Yasuda already passed the Sanzu River right?!

(Shows video in inset of Yasuda, of an Utaban appearance just days before her graudation from Morning Musume that makes it appear that she is crossing a bridge over a river.)

Yasuda: You called us today!

Ishibashi: What is this?

Inaba: We are a unit.

Yasuda and Iida: Yes.

Ishibashi: Where did Ayaya go?!

Yasuda: Well, Ayaya...

Ishibashi: Where is Nacchi?!

Yasuda: There's no Ayaya or Nacchi here, we are all that is!

Ishibashi: And Gottsan?! I was looking foward to them today!!

Nakazawa: Thanks to Utaban's playing pranks with us, this makes us work hard today.

Ishibashi: I hate that part of you!

Nakai: Stop it will you!

Nakazawa: You want to see?

Nakai: The hell I want to!

Nakazawa: It's super mini, you know.

Nakai: You look like you got lost on your way back on that, you know that! Like something is wrong with your head or something.

Nakazawa: It left an impression though, right?

Ishibashi and Nakai: Yes.

Ishibashi: She looks like the type that'll come out from Misuji Road around 12 o'clock. The adult audience probably understand this. Misuji Road!! You're already 32, don't tell me you got Misuji and Misoji mixed up! "Thank you Mr. President, please come again! Please come in!"


Masahiro Nakai: We will have you work out today, okay? It's going to be "sweating" for this seven, [Ishibashi gestures to Sexy Otonajan and Elegies]

Takaaki Ishibashi: To us, your sweat is a side dish.

Nakai: And the rest here will be "juicing" [Nakai gestures to Puri Puri Pink]

November 17, 2005 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Studio Manager: Everyone, there's a fire in the building!

[The girls start panicking and Nakai and Ishibashi hide their amusement for the moment]

Masahiro Nakai: Quiet! Quiet!

Ai Takahashi: We gotta get out of here fast!

Studio Manager: The room is still okay! Everyone, please exit the building through here!

Hitomi Yoshizawa: Audio manager, what about the mic?

Nakai: Audio manager, it's okay with our mic still on?

Studio Manager: Please exit that way!

[Everyone begins to leave, but Nakai and Ishibashi suddenly stop]'

[The camera goes to the hallway where the girls are "evacuating"]

[The camera goes back to the studio where Nakai is madly smiling]

[The camera goes to the loading area of the studio where the girls meet up with Kagaku-kun, the assistant producer]

Kagaku-kun: Is everyone alright?

Risa Niigaki: Please tell us the truth!

Kagaku: Is everyone here? Is everyone here?

Yoshizawa: Yes.

Kagaku: Thank you, for your cooperation.

Makoto Ogawa: What?! Oh man!!

Niigaki: I don't understand the meaning of this. What are we doing here?

Kagaku: A disaster drill. This is a disaster drill.

Niigaki: Don't surprise us like that.

[Nakai barges in acting like he is angry and has no clue what is going on]

Nakai: What is this?!

Koharu Kusumi: What is it?

Takahashi: It's just a drill.

Nakai: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?! WE REALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS A FIRE HERE!!

Kagaku: There is a possibility that things like this will happen in the future.

Nakai: QUIT JOKING AROUND!!

Kagaku: Thank you very much.

March 23, 2006 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume, Yuko Nakazawa, Kaori Iida, Natsumi Abe, Mari Yaguchi, Kei Yasuda, Maki Goto, Rika Ishikawa, Nozomi Tsuji) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: I passed by Yossy in the hallway. She's become quite a beauty, don't you think? Surely you're seeing somebody now!

Hitomi Yoshizawa: No, I'm not!

Masahiro Nakai: How old are you now?

Yoshizawa: I'm 20 now.

Nakai: You're 20? Do you drink?

Yoshizawa: Sometimes.

Nakai: What do you drink?

Yoshizawa: Something called maternity.

Ishibashi: Something maternity?

November 29, 2007 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Chinese should also have 4 character idioms, right?

Linlin: Is it like ichi, ni, san, shi?

Masahiro Nakai: Ichi, ni, san, shi?

Junjun: Profiting while others fight.

Eri Kamei: Eh?

Ishibashi: Even if you sacrifice your group, you need to get it no matter what.

April 21, 2008 Episode (Guests: Morning Musume) Edit

Takaaki Ishibashi: Johnson had a baby boy, huh?

Morning Musume: Yes.

Ishibashi: Davey Johnson


Takaaki Ishibashi: That hat looks like something JERO would wear.

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