User blog:WonderBuono!/Apparently I'm scary?

So this was gonna just be a short comment but I got a lot of thoughts so I might as well pour out my heart in the form of a blog:

In the past few weeks I learned something about others' perception of me that I never even noticed. While having a bit of a friendly discussion with another user, I was told "It's a bit intimidating... to be addressed by such a senior user." This shocked me a little, but I just figured maybe she was just really shy, so I kind of let it go.

Then recently a couple of other users mentioned that I scared them a bit when they first joined. Well, I guess I didn't scare them too bad, since they're still here. XD But again, I was really shocked, and this time I started to wonder...

The thing is, for me, being called "scary" or "intimidating" is actually pretty hilarious, because if you knew me in real life, you'd kow that this is the exact opposite of who I really am. I'm extremely shy, I can be a pushover, I will go out of my way to avoid offending people, if I'm in front of a lot of people I stay silent unless it's necessary to speak, etc. If I asked my real life friends if I ever scared them, they would probably be rolling on the floor laughing.

It makes me wonder which side is the "real me", and whether I should take charge more or be a little kinder, or find a balance between the two. I'm still an emotional teenager trying to figure out who I am.

This is why it was so uncomfortable to me when people called me "boss" when I was promoted to admin. It was just so different from how I had always thought of myself. But eventually, it became kinda funny, and I embraced the nickname simply for its irony. But maybe that wasn't the best idea...

I know I can sometimes be bossy around here. I get big-headed sometimes, too. I have completely undone people's edits without even discussing it, because I was so sure I was right -- and I really do regret any time I have done this without thinking it through.

But anything I do, I only do it because I love the wiki and want to see it thrive. And I love this fandom, and all the editors too, and I want to see them do well.

I've been feeling more and more like I seem unapproachable lately, but I just guessed that people weren't asking me questions as much anymore because I wasn't answering clearly enough, or maybe I didn't know as many of the answers as Joshua or Maopyon would. But if it's because I seem scary or bossy, well... I hate that I've made any of you feel that way. I love talking to people and helping them learn and just being their friend.

I don't consider myself special either just because I've been here longer than most or because I'm admin. It's really mostly luck (being here at the right time) that got me promoted. When I'm helping choose admins for the Admin Auditions, I mostly think "what can this user offer that we don't already have on the team?" But I don't even know that I have anything special to offer. It reminds me of when I played rec soccer and every player on our team got a trophy at the end of the year, even if we lost every game, at least we played. I got admin simply for being present.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is... I don't mean to seem scary. I'm not offended by those who said they have felt scared by me before, I just want everyone to know that I really just love the wiki and love people, and you shouldn't ever feel like you can't talk to me or can't edit or anything like that. I may correct you, but remember that I don't know everything either. None of us do. That's why the wiki is a group effort. And if I do something totally bossy or unfair, feel free to correct me! I'm still learning stuff, too. ;)